Wild Goose Chase
I did have a rather good call. Not one that took any skill-but it was very amusing.
We were called for a "psych eval" coming out of a nursing home/psych facility going to a hospital in downtown Chicago. I grabbed the clipboard and headed towards the nurses station. All was quiet. The nurse handed me the papers and said, "oh, he won't be a problem...he wants to go." Okay, that's good. The nurse pointed out a man in the hallway and said, "that's your patient." Okay. She yelled to him and he headed towards his room. She told him that we were here for him. That was all he needed to hear.
The yelling started..."I ain't going to no damn hospital! It's overcrowded....they'll have me sleeping in the hallway." He went to his room and the nurse got a few staff members and we headed towards the room. He was screaming and cursing. He was completely uncooperative-swinging at the nurses, and trying to spit in our faces. It took five guys to get him on the stretcher so that we could put four point restraints on him and get going. He yelled and cursed the whole way to the ambulance.
While we were walking down the hallway, I started to hear someone clapping. Then I distinctly heard that it was more than one person. There were at least 10 people who came out of their rooms with all the ruckus and started clapping when they realized he was leaving. By the time we got to the front door of the facility practically the entire place was cheering and clapping, yelling, "don't come back bozo!" and "have fun in Chicago!" I had never seen anything like it. It felt like I was in a creepy movie.
We got out to the rig and he calmed down a bit. He was still ranting and raving about not wanting to go to an overcrowded hospital and have to "sleep in the halls." Then he started yelling again, "this is all a stupid wild goose chase....just turn around....all my stuff is back there!" At about 30 second intervals he would yell at me (I was driving) to turn around and end this "Wild goose chase."
I could hear him cursing about the staff while I was driving. He said that the nurses are always drunk-drinking special Russian vodka, and that the place is run by communists. He got quiet for a couple minutes. I later learned that he was just muttering to himself the whole time. Then he yelled out, "You better not be taking me on a helicopter to Alaska!" My partner assured him that we wouldn't.
We got into the ER (38 miles later) and stood in the psych triage area. He was being rather loud again. Everybody was staring; I was just amused. Then he screamed, "I am going to f***ing wet myself!" Not even two seconds later, a Chicago firefighter walked out a patients room, walked up by the nurse that was triaging us, and asked, "where's the nearest bathroom?" The guy let out this huge sigh/growl. Both my parter and I were laughing so hard that we had tears streaming down our faces. The firefighter just looked at us like we were crazy. How ironic.
Then the guy continued on with his wild goose chase. We walked down the hall to the second set of registration cubicles to finish up the process, then headed for the elevators. The doors had just closed when the guy stated, "this sucks donkey dick!" I tried to cover my laugh because I was standing right in front of him, so I said, "I've never heard that one before." I think he thought it was really funny because then he said, "this sucks elephant dick!" We got him onto the psych floor, and out of restraints before he peed on my cot.
That call made the whole shift worth working.